"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of it's joy."
Leo F. Bustaglia

Coping With Worry

You worry. I worry. We all worry about all kinds of things. But why do we allow ourselves to worry so much? Does our worrying accomplish anything? And are we concerning ourselves with the right things?

"Edith," Walter scowled, "you have got to stop worrying so much. You worry all the time! You worried about Tom failing high school. You worried that the girls would marry deadbeat husbands who wouldn't provide for them. You worried about the car breaking down during our vacation. You even worried about dying of pneumonia when you had the flu last spring. You worried about all of these things, and none of them happened!"

"See!" Edith exclaimed. "It worked!"

How many of us are like Edith?

Sometimes we lose sleep and jeopardize our health over events that may or may not ever occur, and often we find ourselves distraught over situations we cannot control. Worrying takes up a great deal of our time and energy. But, when we stop to consider the subject, why do we spend so much time and energy worrying? Do we gain anything by worrying?

Winston Churchill once stated: "When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened."

Why do we allow ourselves to worry so much? I have discovered three main reasons we worry.

Blaming ourselves

For many of us worrying takes on a life of its own. I call this the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" syndrome. We fear that the way we handled our lives in the past, particularly when it came to our children, was the cause of the problems and sorrows our families face today. In short, we lack confidence in ourselves and our roles as parents and caretakers. We tend to blame ourselves for problems our loved ones are facing, and if we had done something differently, they would not be facing them.

This is particularly true when our children are involved. The scenario is a familiar one. A son (or daughter) is not doing well in school. We discover he is not going to class or not completing his homework. We talk to him, try to help him and sometimes we begin to nag him into oblivion.

But he doesn't listen. We become preoccupied with helping him do better in class. This becomes the only topic of discussion we have with him. As a result, he begins to avoid talking to us, and a gulf develops between him and us. His grades still do not improve.

Is worrying doing something?

Another reason many of us worry so much can be illustrated by a situation that occurred in my family. My mother-law had car trouble and had to park her vehicle alongside a road. As my husband and I rushed to find out what had happened, I noticed that he was fretting. As I told him not to worry, and that she was surely going to be fine, he made a revealing request.

"Please don't make me stop worrying," he pleaded. "I have to do something!" That, to me, was interesting. When we are busy worrying about something, we sometimes feel we are actually doing something about it. What we are really doing is using up valuable time and energy best used in some other way.

Doing worrisome penance

A third possible reason many of us worry is that, deep down inside, we feel that if we make ourselves miserable with worry we will fulfill our punishment quotient and God or the universe will fix things for us. This is something we don't consciously consider, but when you think about it that is what we are really doing.

How do we begin to control our sometimes overwhelming fears when our families are going through trials? When our children seem to be headed the wrong way, how do we stop ourselves from spending endless sleepless hours fretting over the events in the lives of those we love when we are powerless to do anything constructive to help them?

We can take one of two approaches that might help ease the strain of worry, help us learn to cope and allow our family members to come to grips with their problems.
First of all, when in a like situation ask yourself, "Is there really anything else I can do to help improve the situation?"

This is an important question, particularly when a child or an older adult is involved. After you have sought help from professionals, such as a doctor or counselor and after you have discussed all there is to talk about with the person involved (which is, quite often, a great deal more than you actually need to discuss), if there is truly nothing else you can do, then you should ask the second question:

"What is the worst thing that can happen if this scenario that I fear actually becomes a reality?"

The answer to this question, when really analyzed, is that the worst case would usually be significantly less of a disaster than we thought.

Let's take the example of the high-school student who is not doing well in school. When Johnny's parents (and grandparents!) first realize that he is not doing homework or not attending class, they become upset. Talks with Johnny, with his teacher and perhaps with professionals are held. Still, Johnny doesn't take the matter seriously. He continually rejects any admonitions to improve.

Frankly, sometimes it is better to allow children like Johnny to reap the consequences of their actions. How will he face his classmates if he fails in school? What kind of a job can he get without an education? Some children seem to need to graduate from the school of hard knocks. Experience isn't always the best teacher, but it can be an affective one.

An important question still remains to be answered. If we are powerless to fix a situation, why spend so much of life worrying about it? Of course, there are many problems that are more serious than the one mentioned above that many of us face. But the bottom line is similar. When we have done all we can do, and when we learn to focus on the probable end result, we can do nothing more, except allow our family member to learn from the situation.

At Help At Home, we continue to help families find productive solutions to their worries about mothers, fathers, husbands, wives and others that are at risk. Call us at 877-622-9020 or 916-933-9050 for information.